It's that time again
Time for me to ponder why I'm not content. I've written about it before, and before I continue, let me explain that I'm not unhappy, I've certainly got a lot to be happy about, I'm just not content with my career. I feel unfulfilled. The problem is that each day, sometimes while I'm at work, sometimes when I'm on my way home, and sometimes while I'm at home, I have this nagging feeling, or maybe it's a voice, in the back of my head telling me that I'm not doing what I should be doing.
I've thought for a while it was about not wanting to grow up, or maybe having a wanderlust and wanting to travel, or to be more spontaneous, but I think what it comes down to is my career path. The problem is that I did things for the most part by the book. Went to college, finished in four years, moved across the country, found a job in my field, and began working. But after a few years, I started to feel that it wasn't quite right. Which lead me to my new job, which I've now learned was not a fix, but instead a patch. I think I've reached a point where I'm realizing that my chosen career is not the best fit for me. But I also think that our society is partly to blame.
What I've come to realize is that most people have similar feelings, but like me, they repress them, second guessing their feelings, and assuming that what society has told them is correct. Because hey, I, and they as well, have achieved what we worked for. We have our cars, our jobs, our responsibilities, and dammit, that's the goal. But the truth is that one day I'm going to have to call "bullshit" on society. Because society is wrong. What society has told me and my fiance and the rest of the people like me is exactly what we all have. Too many responsiblities, too much stress, and not enough happiness.
The 9-5 doesn't make us happy. The nice car doesn't make us happy. Worrying about money doesn't make us happy. But we worry about money because money buys things that make us happy. And even though I know that that's a lie I have been taught to worry about it. And it fucking drives me crazy!
I have always just figured that my path was right, but the timing was wrong, that the problem was that I needed time. That's why I want to get away, to travel, to dream of exotic lands. And my conclusion isn't that these things aren't important to me and aren't worth pursuing, but rather that these things are just distractions for me to suppress my present issue with the direction of career. I've realized that the fix isn't a trip, it's not a new city, or a new job... It's finding what will make me smile when the day is done, finding a career that fills me passion, and not criticism. I've realized that while I am good at writing computer software, I am not passionate about it. I am passionate about the environment, I am passionate about nature, I am passionate about wanting to protect these things, I feel good about making socially responsible financial decisions, I feel good about making environmentally responsible food purchases. So now that I have identified these things, I need to redirect my career. That part may take some time.
I've thought for a while it was about not wanting to grow up, or maybe having a wanderlust and wanting to travel, or to be more spontaneous, but I think what it comes down to is my career path. The problem is that I did things for the most part by the book. Went to college, finished in four years, moved across the country, found a job in my field, and began working. But after a few years, I started to feel that it wasn't quite right. Which lead me to my new job, which I've now learned was not a fix, but instead a patch. I think I've reached a point where I'm realizing that my chosen career is not the best fit for me. But I also think that our society is partly to blame.
What I've come to realize is that most people have similar feelings, but like me, they repress them, second guessing their feelings, and assuming that what society has told them is correct. Because hey, I, and they as well, have achieved what we worked for. We have our cars, our jobs, our responsibilities, and dammit, that's the goal. But the truth is that one day I'm going to have to call "bullshit" on society. Because society is wrong. What society has told me and my fiance and the rest of the people like me is exactly what we all have. Too many responsiblities, too much stress, and not enough happiness.
The 9-5 doesn't make us happy. The nice car doesn't make us happy. Worrying about money doesn't make us happy. But we worry about money because money buys things that make us happy. And even though I know that that's a lie I have been taught to worry about it. And it fucking drives me crazy!
I have always just figured that my path was right, but the timing was wrong, that the problem was that I needed time. That's why I want to get away, to travel, to dream of exotic lands. And my conclusion isn't that these things aren't important to me and aren't worth pursuing, but rather that these things are just distractions for me to suppress my present issue with the direction of career. I've realized that the fix isn't a trip, it's not a new city, or a new job... It's finding what will make me smile when the day is done, finding a career that fills me passion, and not criticism. I've realized that while I am good at writing computer software, I am not passionate about it. I am passionate about the environment, I am passionate about nature, I am passionate about wanting to protect these things, I feel good about making socially responsible financial decisions, I feel good about making environmentally responsible food purchases. So now that I have identified these things, I need to redirect my career. That part may take some time.
2 Comments:
At 12:43 AM, Rong said…
It's awesome that you've made a conclusive decision to actually move your life in the direction you want.
I'm like, still in the thinking process... if you know what I mean.
Good Luck!
At 11:43 PM, green LA girl said…
As a gal who's often tried changing her entire life (city of residence, job, etc) to try and get happier, I wonder if the "prob," if one might call it that, lies in the relationships you have with people.
After a lotta therapy, I've come to realize that I try to change external things -- i.e. job / career / goals -- in an effort to quiet some of those nagging feelings of unhappiness.
But I've started over a lot, and the same issues happen. I'm excited for a few months, then fall into the same malaise.
Which makes me think that it's best for me to quit second guessing my life and career choices, and instead to focus on the relationships I have -- and I don't just mean the one with say, yr fiance. We all need a network of friendships --
Of course, this is my issue, but may not be yours at all.
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