pondering

How do we know when it's time to take a step back to move forward? How do we know if our current situation is good or if we can get something better? How much financial and future security should be given up for present happiness?

My Biggest Fear

I've realized that my biggest fear is of getting old and realizing that life has passed me by. I know we all fall into the trap of being so tired and overworked that all the things we want to do end up on a list of things to do later. And we keep putting them off.

I shouldn't complain, I have a very good life compared to many, but I also have different goals and different things I want to accomplish that most. I've realized that my future won't be in an office, that money and a nice car won't make me happy. I've also realized that giving it all up and constantly chasing a dream won't bring happiness either. I know that it's something that comes from within. I could make a list of a hundred "happiness is ..." phrases, but they are all moments in time, they are the past, and I find myself waiting for the next one.

I'm constantly complaining about work, and about the people I work with. All that seems to drive them is money, bits and pieces of instant gratification, and what will come down the road. They assume I want a bigger salary and want to be someone's boss. I don't. And the thing I wonder is when you're you're forty or forty five years old, how long have you been telling yourself that a payoff will come? I understand sacrifice, I understand working for a goal, but at what cost does it come?

Where does the compromise end? How much of yourself and your life are you willing to give to have it better later on? These are the things that I struggle with daily. Yes, my job has made it some I can treat myself and my wife to nice dinners and so that we can look forward to a nice weekend away. But my biggest fear is still that I will get old too quick and feel like I didn't accomplish my personal goals, and that I spent too much time waiting for tomorrow.

What are you reading?

I've been having what I like to call "reading ADD". I can't seem to settle into a book, though there's a ton I want to read. I'm currently reading Crime and Punishment, and I think next I'm going to read The Dharma Bums. But prior to the current book, I've mad it only halfway thru books and then returned them to the library.

So what are you reading these days?

Scenes from a movie

Do you ever have passing moments of your own life that you feel like could be scenes from a movie? It happens to me every now and again, and I've been meaning to write about it for a while. Just last week I was sitting on the bus, cruising down Broadway towards work, and as I looked out the window it was as if about a 20 second span was not my life or my bus ride but a scene from a movie. I suppose it was just one of those moments where you just sort of step back and see your life going by, and it seems almost surreal. Nothing specific was happening, I was just looking out the window at the shops along the street. But as I looked out I felt like my perspective was that of a camera panning down the street.

So much time go by so quickly that we don't really see things for what they are. We see what goes on around us, but beyond that it just goes by. So it was nice to see it from a different perspective.